good morning, fake greetings

Whenever someone walks past me and says, “Hey, what’s going on?” I usually have some sort of off-the-wall reply which makes them stop. This is usually good enough to get them to never ask me that again. I realize that certain phrases have become acceptable greeting. I go by the rule of lawyers though, never ask a question that you don’t know the answer to already.
Also unacceptable for a greeting is, “Good morning.” Good is something subjective. Are you trying to impose your worldviews on me? How do you know what kind of morning I’ve been having? You don’t know, so there’s no way for you to know that I am having a good morning. Strike one! When I tell people this, they automatically assume that I’m having a “bad” morning. Strike two! And don’t stick around and argue with me. Strike three! Accept the fact that from that moment on for the rest of the conversation I’m going to treat you like a retard. No, wait, I’m sorry. I don’t have anything against retards, it’s not their fault. No, instead you’re a dumbass because you have control over yourself but choose to ignore it. I have no patience for the dumb.
“Morning” is a horrible greeting. What’s the mean? You know how to tell time by whether or not the sun has risen? Thanks Mr/Ms. Obvious! Or are you implying that I’m a dumbass that can’t tell what time of day it is?
“What’s up?” is another horrible greeting. It’s a question! Questions like, “How are doing?” or “How’s it hanging?” are just dumb ideas if you truly don’t want a reply. I don’t understand rhetorical questions as greetings. Ask at your own risk.
Either mean what you say or just shut up. If I don’t know you, it’s perfectly acceptable to just nod or ignore my presence. That’s not going to hurt my feelings. You could just say, “Hi.” or “Hello.” I hate fake people!