it's a bird

There's just so much to say about this story. A) It's not a news story. Man that jumps out of a plane usually dies, unless that plane is parked at an airport. B) What the hell? Not foul play, because the guy was retarded. C) Dude, I would not like to have lived at that place. Ha! There's roof damage... classic guy jumping from airplane problems. I'd be more worried about the dead guy on the lawn, but hey, that's just me I care about people.

Oh. I got the wrong idea from headlines. I thought the city was going to install meters where panhandlers usually locate and charge them by the hour to do their thing. Sorta like parking meters. That's just a stupid idea, because the panhandlers would move, plus it takes away from their income. And what's a story about poor people without a religious nut. Poor people don't misuse money! C'mon! You know they're just putting that hand-out money towards a savings bond that'll mature in 30 years. That's why they're poor. They're not poor, they just invested everything they own into stocks. Ha! The IRS can't collect on me if I live on the streets!

The Phoenix Mars Mission will go down in history. Not because it is a mobile test lab designed to find the suitability of life on Mars. Nope. It's not because the first attempt to dump the soil missed, again proving that rocket scientists aren't the brightest bunch. Nope. It is because it's the first mission to another planet that packed a sex toy in it's inventory. Yup. A vibrator. If the Martians don't think we're pervs, they will now. Can't find life? Lose the sex toy, they don't make for good first contact material anyway.

Um. Yeah. He's guilty. Nothing says "I love you" like killing your family. Dude, if you love'em that much, splurge and get them a Hallmark card. Really, that's the defense they're going with? I suppose the one thing that he has going for him is the fact that he bought the plane ticket after he killed his family. I want to know what being computer-savvy has to do with finding porn on the computer? Oh, that's not my porn, I know how to use a computer... Or, that's not my porn, that's someone else's! Look, that defense didn't work as a teenager, it doesn't work as an adult. Trust me. The "dog ate my homework" defense doesn't work often. Too much forensic data to collect. The crappiest part of the whole thing is that a 9-month old had to die. That's just not cool. I'm sure the woman had it coming, but that sucks about the baby.

I swear, I'm not high but that's a funny story. It's honorable, but hilarious at the same time. Up next, Jesus takes a job as a Walmart greeter.