cause and effect

When my unit was put on alert to prepare to deploy (sounds like a lot of ifs) people asked me why I wanted to go. By people I mean friends and family; strangers don’t ask me that question so much. I’m fighting tooth and nail to go, but my unit won’t deploy me (as of yet). My friends and family don’t understand why. It’s hard to explain, especially for those that have never served in a branch of the armed services. Plus, it’s partly me which can't be explained.
I grew up around the military, the Air Force specifically. So while the first fifteen years or so I wasn’t in the military it did affect me. My dad was gone for big portions of my life, my mom was consumed with being a good military wife; supportive and understanding. In high school I was bitter at the military because I realized that it had taken so much away from me (I won’t go into details) and it set me apart from those I called my friends.
DePauw University is a very liberal college, hippie comes to mind when I try to think of adjectives that describe the feel of the college. There’s no ROTC, hippies burned down the building back in the 70’s. For most of my college friends this was the first time away from home (for an extended period of time). They missed their old friends and their family. I was different, I loved my parents but I didn’t miss them. I didn’t even call them unless it was to ask for money. They knew I loved them, nothing more was needed.
I gradually realized that I was very different than those around me because of what the military had given me. Strength. The strength to love my family but not miss them. The strength to make new best friends on a whim and leave to never see them again. The strength to know that there’s always more beneath the eye on events around the world. Then I accepted the fact that I like who I am today, that it was in most part because of the military.
So I dropped out of college and joined the Army. My grandfather had been in the Army, served as a medic in the Pacific theater during a little war known in the history books as World War II. My father had served in the Air Force for 27 years until his retirement in 1994; his first year was in a place called Vietnam. He was in the intel field, I never learned what he did (I don’t have the clearance or ‘need to know’), so I decided to go into Army Intelligence. Sort of an homage to both of them.
I’ve only known one person that joined the Army to serve his country. He’s a good guy too; he got a lot of respect for his decision. For the most part, the military is made up of guys (and girls) that are looking for a better life for themselves and their families. It gives them training, a job, a steady paycheck, and money for college. You can do a lot with that kind of opportunity. Some just need to get out of their small towns, not working at Wal-Mart with all of their high school friends, drinking beers out in the cornfields on the weekends. Others just have no place else to go.
Whatever the reasons, they all come to one place (their unit, so really its many places). Yes, we go because we’re ordered to, but that comes with the job. You have to be stupid to think that the Army won’t deploy. That’s like taking a job as a stock boy and then act surprised when your boss tells you to stock the shelves. “But, but I’m just here for the money.” Well, now you’re going to earn it. Still, what makes us go isn’t just orders. You can defer for many reasons, anyone can get out for any number of excuses. We overcome them because there’s an underlying bond between those you serve with.
I’m not close to my family. Yes, I’d be there for any one of my cousins at the drop of a hat. I’d get their back in a fight. I’d run through fire for them, but I’m not close to them. I can say the same thing for those that I serve with. They too are my family. The difference is that when I’m with my Army family, I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be someone else. I am who I am, no censor, I don’t have to worry about what I say or how I say it, they make jokes at my expense like I make jokes at theirs. When I’m around family I have to choose my words carefully. I think it still sounds like me, but I know that it isn’t me. I’m good at soldiering; it’s probably the only thing I am good at (as a job skill).
I want to deploy with my unit. I think I’m good for them, I have experience and knowledge that can’t be taught in a classroom. Plus, I’m selfish. I don’t want to be stuck here worried about them and then wonder if I could have done something if I was there. Or worse, that it should’ve been me. Yeah, it’s future survivor’s guilt. It was hard for me to sit at home when 4th Infantry Division deployed again in 2005, and I only knew a few of them. Now it’ll be a lot harder because I know most of the people in my unit. What would you do for your friends and family? I’d deploy for them.