Thursday, May 31, 2007

newsworthy?

NOT newsworthy. Actually, it's kind of shameful.

I bet next time he hands over the chili sauce. Would you shoot a guy for chili sauce???

Guys are getting busted for the weirdest things nowadays. Sheesh.

HAHA People are just plain funny.

A smart woman would've asked for his phone number instead. It would've made for a better story. Although I'll admit it is a unique pick up line.

Hmm, cellphone saves man's life. Yeah, kids with gun go up against man without leg. You'd think that the kids with the gun would win but nope. I'm reminded of a Family Guy episode in which Mayor West declares that he's got a bulletproof shield the exact size of a bullet.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

it's so tru

So, I like TV. I really like TV. I like DVDs too. You get movies and tv shows all in the comfort of your home. With DVDs you get to choose when and where you get to watch, you can pause it and go to the bathroom, make a call, or whatever you need. There are no commercials on DVD, that's a big advantage. Sure you can do that now with the digital cable but it's just not the same. So with all of the advantages of DVDs over TV, why would I voluntarily choose to sit through a show marathon on TV when I own it on DVD? Or why I'd watch a movie (that I own) on TV with all the commercials and censures. I don't know, I can't explain it. I hate commercials, so you'd think that a TV marathon would be the last thing on my mind, but it's what I choose.


Sit back and enjoy my decent into craziness. It should be a fun ride.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

enough is enough

To quote Samuel L. Jackson - I have had it with motherf**king snakes on the motherf**king plane!!! My question is, how big was that carryon bag to fit 700 snakes in? Seriously.

Well, if flamingos can do it, why not actual gay couples? And what makes these flamingos gay? Just because they've hung out for the last couple of years? Plus, I think flamingos are kinda gay anyway.

Do you need a gift for that grad? Nothing says GET OUT OF THE HOUSE like a car.

How hard is it to join the police?

And just plain cool.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

lord have mercy!

So last month I was just sitting around (big surprise!) listening to my iPod when that Mr. Mister song "Kyrie" came on. Since I heard it as a kid I've always wondered what the hell the lyrics were in the chorus. Waiting almost twenty years I finally looked them up. Kyrie Eleison...? Who's she? "Kyrie eleison down the road I must travel" I don't understand it. So the next step was to use Google to find out what it meant. I needed the straight dope and Cecil delivered.





Not that killing your family for inheritance money isn't a brilliant idea but I'm not here to beat up on the guy. He did the laziest thing to get money, I hope it works out for him. The guy is facing mandatory life sentences for each slained... possibly at the same time! How would it work if he didn't? After he dies his lifeless body would serve his other sentences? Grr!

Wait, let me get this straight, people are complaining because it's too big? Oh, and a 100 people complained so let's bow down to those guys and not everyone else. I'm glad minority rules. Ugh, sometimes I want someone to get Iraq War flashbacks and start detonating IEDs here in the US. Now that I've said it, someone's going to do it and the FBI is going to arrest me in connection with the IEDs. That's just great, just what I need to top off my week!



Have a safe weekend all! Drive fast, swerve often.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

fm 3-22.9

I was perusing through this fantastic Army field manual. It is the pseudo-bible of the military. FM 3-22.9 Rifle Marksmanship M16A1, M16A2/3, M16A4 and M4 Carbine. So what makes me blog about this particular piece? Could it be because it's a load of crap? Nah, too easy. Is it the perpetual violence? Nope, I like it, keeps me employed. So what is it you ask. It's this:
As I read through all of the instructor portions of the book I stumbled across this little tidbit in Chapter 7: Advanced Rifle Marksmanship (Phase IV of Basic Rifle Marksmanship), Section 7-23c. This section is titled Aim Point. For the layman it is where you aim on a person. Now, as a lay-person where do you think you'd aim for "Lethal Shot Placement"? If you thought "the head" you'd be wrong. According to FM 3-22.9 lethal shot placement is acheived with the aim point of 'center mass' basically the area between the waist and chest. Headshots are "incapacitating shot placements" OK, I exaggerate it's the face but still, you think that a shot in the face would put the man down but I guess not. Silly Army, headshots are kids.




Sidenote: It finally clicked. You know the phrase, "it's a deusy!" as in "watch that last step, it's a deusy." It was a car. Doh!

fantastic voyage

Cruel and unusual? I think punishment needs to be cruel and unusual in order to deter people. Especially in these unusual circumstances. Heck, I think lethal injection is too easy going for them, I say light the f**ker on fire.

Sex workers? Strippers and the like huh? Cool. Strippers are people too. I like this kid's approach to her thesis.

Fired because of gossiping? Nah, how about not working? Yup, instead of 'gossiping' or as I call it wasting time, you should be working! *gasp* See? Legally you can call it whatever you like and get away with it.

More weird stuff.

WHAT? Damnit, I hate Ohio. What kind of stupid law is that? The f**king streets in Columbus are crap, crime is unusually high, and unemployment is running rampant. But f**k, passing this bill should take care of all of that. Good job Ohio, you're climbing up my list on stupid places. Indiana is way up there so you're safe.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

urgent

I'm addicted to food Gabby. Yup, if I go without it for an extended period of time I start having trouble functioning properly. Oh, addict in a bad sense. Yeah, I'm probably that too.

I thought they were changing the actual exterior color of the cabs. Doh! OK, that's good then. At least I got that cleared up.

Bring out your dead. This is why I don't eat squirrel. I didn't know that monkeys did though. Huh, learned something new today.

Step One: Shit self. Check.
Step Two: Plunge into chaos.

One of "My Favorite Things" Along with raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

For Zeb - Dork alert. I didn't think that it was a vulgar slang. Weird. Two things I learned today.

Monday, May 21, 2007

angel of music

You know, I've been living here in this hotel for two weeks, and most likely will be living here for the rest of the month. It has its benefits. Most of my house bills will be low, not a lot of usage this past month.
Last weekend we had a "cultural awareness" class given by a civilian. This class was supposed to give us a better understanding about the situation we headed into. That was the plan, instead we got a "brief history of conflict in the Middle East" video. From the displacement of Jews in WWII, the settlement of Israel, Iran-Contra, to the Gulf War. It was made before the events of 9/11 though. Ah, the propaganda. I was definitely feeling an anti-Semitic vibe from our civilian instructor (and I wasn't the only one). Yes, the US hasn't made the best decisions when it's come to deal with the Middle East or Muslims but I don't think it's fair to place all the blame on the Jews and Israel. There's plenty to go around.
It's been fun playing soldier for the last month but I'm ready to go back to my regularly scheduled life. One of my best friend's from college is pregnant and is having her last day of work and a shopping spree in early June which I want to be a part of but might not be able to because of this Army thing. If I had a sister, I'd want her to be just like LJ.

Eating out for lunch and dinner is getting to be expensive but a necessary thing. Damn you economy!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

ice box

I repeat: Babies aren't frozen dinners. There's no need for a microwave!!!! Oh, I'm sorry, it wasn't his fault IT WAS THE DEVIL! Yeah, I don't think they need to procreate EVER.

In the big city they call it a carjack. Hmm, what exactly will a locked door and rolling the window up do against a gun? That's just like covering your head in a nuclear attack. Not helping.

What's next? Schools banning textbooks because they may cause kids to think? Good job Texas, way to show everyone that you deserve to be at the forefront of child safety!

Jenny don't change your number.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

sweet home alabama

Probably the scariest sounding evil-doer in the world. Haha, a girl must've come up with that name.

See? non-lethal shoot-offs. This is what happens when people don't have guns.

These kids are going to go places. Like Sing Sing or Rikers Island. Funny that this story is coming out of Leavenworth, Kansas.

For all you kids out there that think that wearing a helmet is lame. You wouldn't think it's lame after someone ran OVER YOUR HEAD!

Not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

back to school

Drive fast, swerve often. Or don't, save some gas and put that coin in your pocket. Huh, all those things are "fake" I guess. I dunno though, I like to think they work for me and my Stacy.

Got bored last night, made me an M&M. Literally.

Ah, the NowWhat.com is really State Farm Insurance. Those commercials had really been bothering me.

A drop box? Really? That works? Those Japanese I guess... At least people are admitting they can't be parents.

There's no standards left. I should get a license though.

Not to put down our school system but how exactly did the whales outsmart marine biologists and law enforcement? They're freaking whales! How do you miss that???

That's so gay. My question is, what exactly are Mormon stereotypes? Umm... I can't think of any. Help me out here people.

Sex sells. "Carmel" sounds like a well-educated young lady. Hmm... well, lots of people have weird names so it could be her real name.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

ding dong

The witch is dead. Hmm, I wonder where he ended up. Next to Hitler I imagine.

I thought I was making a dent in the road raging. I guess I need to do more to make the news. Got it!

I can understand leaving groceries in the car, or maybe keys, or maybe your briefcase BUT A KID??? Some people don't deserve to be parents. Oh but it was just the one time, well guess what? It only has to happen once dumbass.

I just like the headline.

Monday, May 14, 2007

i think i can

I'm tempted, but I just don't think I have the time. Is there a time limit? I think I'd be pretty good. Maybe, in the written word, not so much with the spoken. Never been my strong suit. Not to say that writing is either, but it's stronger than spoken.

Hmm, interesting. You'd think he wouldn't be in a position to taunt anyone. I assume they keep him in the SHU (secure housing unit) but I guess they can't censor his mail.

In a testament to hypocrisy, the Army has banned MySpace and several other social networks from soldiers in Iraq. People that are supposed to be fighting for things like free speech are restricted from those very rights. Huh. Think I'll get in trouble? Boo!!!!
To lighten the mood, there's FUBI internet cafes. For US by Iraqis. Lemme guess, a black guy came up with that.

Indiana's in the news again. Mom endangers kid, forced to save kid. I don't understand why they are focusing on the fact that she "saved" the kid. Wasn't she the one that put her in danger in the first place?

Is it a suicide bomber if the bomb fails? I'm glad someone is interviewing this guy instead of shooting him.

Mmmm. Everyone is recruiting, from the Catholic church to nudists. Apparently it's the "in" thing now. I wonder what recruiting tactics they're using. Door-to-door? That'd be kinda sweet. As long as it's like those two Mormon chicks that stopped by that one afternoon...

NOOOOOO!!! Studio 60 got canceled? Damnit! Damnit all to hell!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

for reals?

And they say that Muslims are the fanatics. Nah, I say anyone that uses religion as a blunt weapon, like this guy, is a fanatic. I guess I'm a fanatic too, because I believe in free will, that God wants us the way we are, regardless of what we do on Sundays and I'll beat the crap out of anyone that believes otherwise. I'm kidding. Sure, I may not agree with a lot of people on their views on religion, but guess what? That's their business. I'm not going to interfere with that, I'll make fun of it but I won't interfere. I won't go out there, knocking door to door in order to convert people. Is it really God's will to convert people to your religion in order to "save them" from whatever? I didn't realize He needed me to sit in a designated place to worship and/or donate 10% of my earnings to this place. I always thought He wanted us to be good people, me, I'm incurably stupid but I don't go to church, so does that mean I'm going to Hell? If so, I need to start sinning more. Might as well get a really good seat down there.
Here's how I figured that one out. Satan is running things down there right? So who's he going to hook up? The guy that took $10 from someone's wallet or say, Hitler? With all the crap Hitler did, I'm sure he's a really, really bad guy. But that means he's more in favor with Satan right? Well, hook a homeboy up!

Back to this crazy Luce. There's this whole Acquire the Fire thing, sounds like contracting the syph. Burning ring of fire... So I like this whole militant thing Luce's got going. Yup, BattleCry! Or building up his Army of Christians. Scary thought isn't it? All because he doesn't think the "regular" Christians are Christian enough. What the heck does that mean? I'm not Christian enough? Somehow he's determining what the standard is? Next up, the Pope isn't Catholic enough. Who gave this guy the power to pass judgement on others? If he was sooooooo Christian doesn't he know there's only One that can pass judgement on others? Or does Luce think he's some sort of special consultant for the guy?

And to Luce's own past, I think he did inhale. In fact, I think he drank the bong water.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

video killed the radio star

In this case though, the video iPod killed the radio star.

OK, so let's just say I'm feeling old. I've spent the last week (and more) working to deploy this unit. Taking care of lots of kids, it's like I'm a babysitter. Most of these kids are 18 or 19 years old. Now eight years is not a lot of time, but I guess it's difference that makes all of the difference. I was their age when I joined. When I was that young (and dumb) they were 11 year olds! Middle schoolers, at best, when I was joining the Army. How does that all happen? When did I become that old war vet sitting at the end of the bar talking about "the war" and how "all these young pups are in for the shock of their life."

I'm enjoying my time though. Even if it is in Columbus. I still want to go. Like I said, these are kids. I've taken them under my wing. Still trying to go, but it doesn't look good. Last week I went through RFI (Rapid Field Issue) where we got some cool stuff. New undershirts, some cold weather gear, and the new helmet. The ACH (Army Combat Helmet) is weird; I've seen the studies the internal padding helps with traumatic brain injury (but isn't any brain injury traumatic?) and the new 4-point harness helps with keeping the helmet stable during movements, but what I don't understand is what's with the velcro? Sorry, hoop and fastener system. What is up with it? Do I really need it?

The coolest thing I got though was the Oakley sunglasses. Now this is what your taxpayers' money is going to. They are sweet! Of course I was sweet too, I gave my pair to another soldier. She didn't heed one of my warnings and when getting issued cool, free stuff never admit you wear glasses. Otherwise you never get all the cool stuff. So I helped her out, not that it's the first time I've helped her out. Yeah, her being cute is a weakness for me. Long story short, I've ran into a semi-busy road to chase after said girl (drunk) to keep her from possibly getting hit from oncoming traffic. Just goes to show that I am incurably stupid.

I'm going back next week and the week after too. It's like I won't work my regular job for the rest of May.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

that's so weird now isn't it?

For all the people that think America sucks, at least women aren't forced to kill themselves via a fire. That's just got to hurt! I couldn't do it.

Yeah sure. Actually, I think most chicks sure learn. What? Is that wrong? It's a handy skill I think.

Oops, it's my thyroid! That could be it huh?

Actually, it's been known to happen. OK, well, this is the first time I've heard about it but next month it'll be a mosh pit!!!! ROCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

living life

Talk about doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. What's wrong with people? You definitely don't try to shoot someone in a court. And how do you miss with a shotgun?

Heh? When retards f***, they don't make geniuses. Stupid people breed stupider people. What the hell is the problem? Hell, I think they should sterilize more people, at least the dumber ones.

Talk about hating life and the people around you. Haha, this is so totally awesome.

And how is the team at fault for all of this? Why not sue McDonald's while you're at it? They probably made the guy fat too. Hell, let's sue his parents because they probably didn't provide him with proper nutrition and skills in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Got to say that this is by far the strangest lawsuit ever. $65 million for a pair of pants? This from an administrative law judge. What car are you renting that it costs $65 million for ten years? And what makes you think they have $65 million? I think they should just set his pants on fire.

I thought it said that the brothers' name were Durka. Durka Durka Durka, Mohammed, Jihad.

And if you ever wondered what happened when you put socks in the dryer and came up missing? It wasn't the evil laundry machine eating them, it was this guy.

be aggressive

So for the last five days I've basically been living in this hotel. I had a three-day drill and then this phase one of our home station ECTA. Don't ask me what it means, but I guess it's something like when the Air Force goes to "the field." I used to make fun of my dad (he's Air Force) because staying in a hotel was how they usually "deployed" or went to the field. Now I've been Army for almost eight years and this was the first time I got put up in a hotel. It's weird to drive back to the hotel and basically do anything I want until the next day.
I've been working my ass off trying to get this unit ready to deploy. I'm maybe about 20% there but plan to be about 50% by tomorrow. This way I can basically take it easy on Friday. Woo!

Friday, May 04, 2007

six degrees

You ever played that game? Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Where you have to link any actor/actress to Kevin Bacon in six moves or less? Awesome game for those into movie trivia. Which actor co-starred with which other actor, so on and so forth. Well, we used to play this game out in Iraq back in 2003 before we had fancy things like electricity. So when we got back, I obviously looked up some of the more questionable connections because back then we couldn't verify answers. Results? I found this, the Oracle of Bacon. It's a wonderful thing, this technology stuff.

You got questions? Cecil's got answers. And books too. From stupid questions, to some profound stuff. Well, not profound really but things that you were always curious about but too ashamed to ask them. See what searching the web does for you?

Have you ever seen someone do the most horrible parking job and just wanted to scream at them? Here's the solution.

One of the worse excuses I've ever heard, and I've heard quite a few. Maybe not as much as a teacher but these are very colorful.

Really? The movie Brazil was higher on the list than Star Trek: The Next Generation? And Stargate/Stargate SG-1/Stargate Atlantis didn't even crack the Top 25? What kind of crazy world am I living in? Well, at least there's the Top 100.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

over you

Yesh. Honestly though, I think I saw this episode of Grey's Anatomy.

It's immodest. Really? A billboard featuring Bob and Tom, probably the two biggest boobs in syndicated radio. I think it teaches kids umm, what's the word, homonym?

BYOTP. You really think that's the source to your graffitti and vandalism problem? TP?

Like a superhero jumping from rooftop to rooftop, eluding the police. Got to love it.

It's so good to be in the colonies isn't it? I remember when I was younger and I met with this guy from England. Of course we exchanged pleasantries and when I told him I was from the US, he replied "Oh, you're from the colonies?" To which I replied, "Sprecken zee Deutch?" And I got "Huh? No." Last words, "That's right! And do you know why? The US."

You've got to admire the authoriative power of the campus cops. Trying to "shoo" them out of the pond? Whew, I think someone's civil liberties were trampled upon by that.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

ah crap again

censorship lives on.

blitzkrieg bop

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I dunno. I took the test, passed it with 9. Although I don't think that it's an accurate test for fitness to serve as a citizen it was informative. And to that guy, who serves as a citizen? Him? I don't think so. Me, yeah, but him not so much.

Huh. This is one-sided says the media? *gasp* Like the pot calling the kettle black. Of course it's one-sided, how else would it be? US military rushing to the site of a roadside bomb. Uh, guess what, that's what happens. Iraqis working alongside US troops? Yeah, that happens. The WHOLE country isn't against us as the media might portray. Neither side is completely right, but they're not wrong either.

Quick question. Why was she involved?

And I'm guessing that this guy couldn't hold down a steady job because of his narcolepsy and has to resort to theft.

The most impressive thing was the old guy was last seen running the hall. Sir, I applaud you.

You know you're a redneck when you take your date to the prom on a tractor.

And in all fairness, he warned her, and the important thing is the follow through. You can't say something and then not do it. If you say you're going to crash your car in the house, well you better damn well crash your car into the house. I bet next time he asks for a cigarette he's going to get one.

Huh. Guess who doesn't feel so bad about thinking about going back to college at 27.

Lemme get this straight, the guy bought (legally) an AK-47 but resorts to robbery? I mean $75 and two cartons of cigarettes. My mom used to tell me if I was going to steal, then steal big. Meaning if I used an AK-47 to rob you, I'm walking away with more than $75 and two cartons of cigarettes. Maybe $90 and three cartons of cigarettes.

How far would a woman go for sex? I suppose they appreciate it more in prison.

Damnit!! Why can't something like this happen to me? Oh yeah, you bet I would've spent it. I wonder if he had to give the stuff back. I guess I'm not morally right huh? Or maybe I'm just poor enough not to care that much.

*sniff* That's a good news story.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

automatic lover

Huh. Mentally ill you say? Really? Nothing says "hire me as a security guard" like going on a shooting spree. Am I right? Cuz a real crazy person would, um, I dunno, try to be a better person? Appeal? That's just me, I'm crazy like that.

And what does being a Yankees fan have to do with any of this? I mean seriously, unless this is a PR move. Well, he was also a fan of Kelloggs Frosted Flakes but is that mentioned in this article?

Good. Good. Good. Finally, some legal protection for police officers. I mean, really, if a criminal can sue the cops for injuries sustained in the act of a crime what's next?

Well, at least he wasn't doing drugs huh? I don't remember this game when I was a kid. There was kickball, four-square, tetherball, king of the hill, tag, freeze-tag... no, no, no. No choking game. Weird. These wacky kids and their strange games.