Sunday, August 31, 2008

raindrops on roses

Lately I've questioned the cable programming of ABC Family. Well, not really but I've seen Top Gun on the channel. Then recently I saw a movie about a nun-in-training that falls in love with a retired naval captain with 7 kids that end up having to flee their home from the Nazi. OK, it's the Sound of Music. Not to say that the musical portion of the movie isn't kid-worthy but you know 70-80 years ago the Nazis were a real threat and now they've been reduced to the ABC Family channel? Hmm, can't say that it's impressive.
I guess I remember the kid version of the movie, where the Nazi fleeing wasn't part of it. I remember all of the singing, but they didn't have to flee the Nazis. In fact, I don't remember the Nazis. The first time I saw the Sound of Music as an adult was back in 2001. I was quite surprised to find out that there were Nazis in the movie. When the heck did this happen? It's not like I knew who or what the Nazis were when I was a kid, so maybe it's just that I didn't care about it. Would I really miss out? It's possible that I fell asleep, that'd explain not knowing about the Nazis.
What I'm trying to say is that knowing now who and what the Nazis are, I really don't find it appropriate to have the Nazis on the ABC Family channel. Although as kids, I guess what you don't know can't hurt you. Or in this case, freak you out a little.
Plus, growing up and knowing about the world, I seriously doubt that this would be a plausible story to replicate. I mean, what family musical group would win a festival with a song about a doe being a female deer, or tea with jam and bread? Well, I could see it as a reality show, but then Liesl would drop the rest of her family and get her own solo career. She'd have one real hit, then go to rehab for a coke habit, and end up on Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club.



Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Monday, August 25, 2008

it's all in the moment

I know it seems like an epidemic, but the media has a way of making things much bigger than the way it is. OK, just to clarify, the family reported the kids "missing" before they checked the car? Hmm, I wonder if there's anything to this. And you'd think that if you locked your kids and keys in the car that you'd just break the window. I mean, the cost of a new window versus dead kids... I dunno. What's the worse that could happen. I'm sorry, it's not funny but the way they presented it. The link from the main page was "Man Saving Kids From Locked Car Stabs Self To Death." As if stabbing himself was the way to save the kids, sorta like a Saw-type dilemma.

Well, as things goes, do you really have to confine her? And who says fat people can't kill you. This is what can happen if you don't feed fat people fast enough. Also, you can't say she's not motivated. 27 years old and 1,000lbs that takes some work.

Not to say that this death doesn't warrant coverage, but a dead one-legged prostitute? Isn't that the plotline from a movie? Or the punchline of a joke?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

you know

You know what would attract more viewers? Naked table tennis. Yup, that'd get the fans in the stands. I don't know why they'd have sexier table tennis uniforms. Maybe they need a Janet Jackson/Super Bowl moment.

Speaking bringing sexy back, what's up with the Amish population doubling? Well, the only way I see it is that the Amish chicks are putting out like nobody's business. OK, maybe they're using modern medicine to extend their healthy lives, but I'm hoping for the former. Maybe if they win their "protest" to not have hazard lights on their buggies will thin out the population. It's always a good time when an Amish buggy takes on a train.

You know, I almost agree. For me, she could be naked 18-28. That's a decade of her, maybe that's enough but maybe not.

BabyTV? Channels geared to the under 3 years old? That's a narrow demographic and I had to see the commercials but hey, you gotta hook them young I guess. How do they know what 3yr olds want to watch? Which shows are doing well, maybe rotate their time slots, or add cast members to their favorite shows.

I can believe that it's butter. Hehe. I like that last line. I wish I had something classy like that to say.

Monday, August 18, 2008

say it ain't so

It's a sad day indeed. Budweiser isn't American anymore. What the hell? What happened to the great American spirit? You'd think that crap like "Milwaukee's Best" would be the first to go. I don't think I like where we're heading now.

You'd think with the technological advances we've made in the last hundred years we'd be able to come up with something more than a skateboard. Not exactly a bionic turtle.

No doubt. There's a good argument to be made here. She may be 20 years old, but if you want hot; nothing is hotter than a gold in the women's all-around. Nastia Liukin is 18 and that's just hot too.

Going in the opposite direction now. Is "beauty-disadvantaged" the PC term for ugly? And what the hell are the ladies pissed off about? It's not like he said that the town was full of "beauty-disadvantaged" women already. And yeah, it can be slim pickin' for women too.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

olympic update

In case you ever wondered.

exploding steak

Again, I'd like for there to be a stupidity law; a law against stupid people. I'm not saying that they're guilty of child abuse or it's an intentional act of malice, but there's a kid in the backseat. You'd think that'd be enough to remember there's a kid in the backseat. You don't need to put your lunch back there, or a briefcase. There's a damn kid, that's enough. If that isn't bad enough don't forget the poochie. Yeah, and this isn't the way to transport babies either.

Not to say it isn't true, but that's the weirdest excuse. I need one to save my family too... uh yeah.

You think? Hmm, let's do the math. Alcohol + Speed + Texting. Yup. It all adds up to death. You know, I don't feel bad when this stuff happens. I think it sucks that emergency services have to go out there and scrap up the mess when there could be other things they could be doing like say polishing chrome. No, I'm not going to say that the family should pay the city for crap like this, but maybe they should be sterilized so they can't have more children. I do wonder what the text message was, you know, what was important enough to die over. I hope it wasn't anything like this because I don't even know if it's worth $250.

My political addition. Ah, the great democracy engine at work. Is it really a democracy when only one person votes? I dunno. I guess, because at least everyone has the option to vote but choose not to do so.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

going for the gold

OK. I'm up in the Olympic fever, but I was wondering when did the trampoline become an Olympic event? Oh, 2000. That explains alot. Still, the trampoline??? Don't get me wrong, I saw what they were doing and it is indeed difficult, but I don't think it is an Olympic event. It's the trampoline for kidney's sakes! That's like making 4-square an Olympic event. Don't get me wrong, it would be awesome but not really worthy of a game slot you know? Other possible Olympic events on the books: hop-scotch, tag, and freeze-tag. Can you imagine? "The US is fielding a good freeze-tag team this year, but have had a little trouble with their strategy in the warm-ups, let's see how they fair against the Australians..."

And because Michael Phelps is going up for his 8th gold in a few minutes, I'd just like to point out that there's a huge difference in the level of technology between Mark Spitz's era and today. I mean, look at the archive footage of Spitz, swimming with that shag-rag of a hairdo and a mustache. C'mon, when was the last time you saw a swimmer with a mustache? That's just hardcore. It's just like when modern day baseball players break records of old. Where today's fields are shorter and the season is longer. It's easier when you've got all those factors working for you.

OK, back to watching the Olympics. The women's swimming team just got spanked.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

pro cow

That can't be a good sign can it? I mean the property value can only go up right? Besides, she wouldn't lose that much. If she loses 50% she'd be selling at 50 cents. Not including that damn property tax. Tax on that place must suck, 3900%? Whew.

Really? That's too short? I guess that's what the world is coming to. It's not like she was 300lbs in that dress. I bet that would turn heads too. She looks good, there's a crime for looking good? Huh.

THAT IS AWESOME! I wish I had that idea. I think that's totally awesome. I'm going to do that, but I'll purchase my own gnome.

Hmm. Here's another case for Ockam's Razor. Is it possible that a suspect stuffed a bag of cocaine in a police cruiser or perhaps a police officer did it. Usually suspects are handcuffed in police cars, and most of them are cuffed behind their backs. It would be difficult but not impossible for them to pry open a section, stuff a bag of cocaine, and re-conceal it. Or, a dirty cop kept his stash of coke in that section and forgot to take it out when the car was rotated out of the fleet. Hmm. Which seems more likely?

I thought it was one of those things where you leave your drink on top of your car because you were trying to find your keys. I don't think it would have been acceptable if it was but at least it wasn't intentional. This was intentional, and holding the kid by the leg? Is that the same concept as holding the mattress to the roof?

It's the punchline to a joke.

I just wish there was a law against stupid people, not hot people.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

when you believe it

He probably drove himself to the hospital because the ambulance ride is kinda on the expensive side. Or that they would take too long and it would just be quicker to drive there. Although that isn't the safest way to transport but we'll give him some leeway because he probably wasn't thinking clearly. You know, having just been shot in the head. Not always the best time to make decisions.

Wow. You know I joke about getting locked inside of cars but really? I don't want to say the kid is retarded, but man, he is dumb. How the hell do you get locked inside of a car? And what kind of car can you lock someone inside of? Sure they've got those child-safety locks where you can't open them from the inside but toddlers could get out if they crawled up to the front and exited through there. And what reinforced glass? The windshield? C'mon go through one of the door windows. Not exactly rocket science here.

And to show that there is always good out in the world. This is an interesting discovery. I wouldn't call it poop, because then it would calling beer yeast poop, which has a lot less appeal than you think.

Monday, August 11, 2008

grab it

Oh. What are you trying to grab? Nothing? You're just reaching. OK. Sorry, I don't buy into the superstition. It's just fun to poke fun at. It sucks that Isaac Hayes and Bernie Mac are dead, but that's life. It's not like someone is out there killing celebrities by the threes. That'd be a good movie.

That's clever. The porn police. I just want to know if anyone actually fell for the "porn police" trick. I don't think they'd admit it. You know, that'd make for a great t-shirt.

Well, the problem seems to be that their 1 Mind is defective. Sometimes I think it's better to go without the rest of the world, but this seems a little extreme. Not the whole "birth without doctors" but the notion that if a 19-month old doesn't say "Amen" that you should stop feeding him and put him in the suitcase.

That doesn't make sense. Not that whole spending $147K on the license plate "1" but the fact that the high bidder wants to remain anonymous. I mean, people are going to see them driving around and know who they are right? That's the point of the custon license plates. It'd be easy to fill out those damn forms that ask for your license plate number.

Apparently they never heard of that you can't beat a dead horse. The producers of "The Mummy"are really trying to beat that horse. "The Scorpion King 2" and "The Mummy 3" not exactly good works. Either come up with a new idea or just get out of the business, you're just making things worse by grasping at those straws.

This is not good news. Definitely. Bad news. Cloaking technology? Yeah, I just can't put in to words how bad this idea is.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

it don't GITMO better than this

That seems to an overreaction to me. I mean, yeah sure she probably shouldn't have been sticking her nose in other people's business but they were breaking the law. OK, it was a bit extreme, at least no one lost their head.

I can't imagine anything more un-special. Kissing Scarlett Johansson? Kissing Penelope Cruz? Whew. That's a good day.

To be more exact, it will not only melt the shoes off your feet, but your feet off your legs as well. That's hot.

Oh the other hand, this would make me crap myself. While this is not unexpected.

To all you human rights activists, laugh at this. It can't be a "torture" technique now can it? I mean, you wouldn't call a ride on the ferris wheel a torture right? Well, depends on who you go with I guess. Thanks Spongebob for the title.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

to appease zebra

1. How much exercise do you get in an average week?
Answer: Couch to bathroom, apartment to car. About 1400 steps a week.

2. Do you make an effort to fit exercise into your daily schedule?
Answer: Absolutely! It just never works out because I'm too lazy.

3. Is there any part of your body that you feel could use a little extra work?
Answer: Yes. Today, I sat down and popped the top button on my shorts.

4. What time of day do you prefer to work out?
Answer: Yesterday. Or tomorrow, whatever works.

5. What kind of music or what song gets you pumped to work out?
Answer: Military cadences.

it's not that

So being too fat can save your life? No? Maybe it's the medicine, because God forbid a convicted killer be in pain or discomfort. Whew, that'd be downright unneighborly. Screw it, I say we let them in a huge stadium, toss in a knife, and then seal it. That'd be a good reality show. Possible titles: "So You Think You're Innocent?", "Inmates Gone Wild", "American Inmate", or "Death or No Death."

No! A nerd is slighted by sorority girls? *gasp* And KKG? Most of the Kappas I've known have been awesome. Awesomely hot too. Dare I say incredibly? But seriously I'm a geek and I've never felt slighted by them. "Offender behavior?" More like psycho behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if he chopped up people.

Monday, August 04, 2008

just forget about

Some times you can't use the threat, "I'm calling the cops..." to motivate people. Although I'll admit that it is a crime to leave off the sauce in a Subway sandwich. Still, it may have been a bit much to call 9-1-1 about the sauce. Then to call again to complain about the response time. I'm sorry, but sandwich sauce doesn't quite rank up there with other crimes that require a quick response by law enforcement.

I think I saw the movie, back in like 1990 or something. Not exactly news if it is 18 years late. I can see where they might be forget stuff or a kid. That's a lot of stuff to look and it only gets worse when you're late.

Go Greyhound! And yeah, I've made this mistake and had this mistake made about me. Still, I don't know how this is a crime. Not that I'm making light of this situation. It's just that I have to point out the obvious.

Skydiving isn't really an accident, not a lot of people accidentally skydive. Skydiving doesn't kill people, most deaths occur from the sudden stop at the end, due to in part to parachute malfunctions.