It's not the love lost or the one that got away that gnaws at you over the years. It's the one that you gave up on, because you were too tired to fight for every little scrap of affection. I do honestly believe that I love her, but she was so closed off to others that it was a fight to be with her. I could see what a great she could have been if only she smiled, or showed an emotion. She was afraid of being herself.
I actually felt safe around her, which is a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Well, maybe safe is the wrong word. Maybe content? Like I could die happy, no worries, that sort of thing. The world around me melted away and I didn't care what else happened. I don't get that feeling anymore and I miss that; could be I don't really miss her but just that feeling.
I shouldn't live in the past, the past has no future. All of this should just be a faded memory but it'll never be unless I let it go.
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4 comments:
that feeling is hard to let go of. for awhile i couldn't distinguish between my college boyfriend being so absolutely wonderful and life itself being absolutely wonderful, with or without him.
he was pretty kick-ass, but in the end, it turned out to be life that was wonderful. with or without him.
it fades, although it may not go away ...
does it go away soon?
it's been 5+ years since we've really talked, and over 2 years without any contact save a pathetic email on my part trying to strike up conversation where there is none.
save yourself the loss of dignity by getting really busy really fast. that's as good a cure as any.
Busy? I wish. I have no dignity. We talk once a week still. There's a lot of history. College, Army, Iraq. Well... not Iraq really, we kinda decided that it'd be best to not be together. Got back and she was in deep with someone else. They had moved in together and all that jazz.
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