bust a move

Where do I start? How about complaining, then I'll explain things.

I hate sympathy, as a emotion and an excuse. "Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss?" Why is that? Why are you sorry? Did you do it? No? Then shut up. It doesn't make people feel better that you feel sorry, because what you are really saying is that you feel sorry for them. Well, that doesn't help, now I feel worse because of my mood has made you feel sad too. Great, it's just like anti-depressants. You could say, "Gee, that sucks. What are you going to do? Don't know? Well, think about it. Give me a call if you need anything." No sympathy, no ambiguity, just clear cut feelings and intentions.

So what's going on my life that makes me think about all this? To sum up in a sentence. My biological mother died last week. Big deal right? Well, there's a whole bunch of family dynamics at work. I know I'm supposed to feel something but I really don't. I took the weekend to ponder my next move. Family members have offered to fly me out to Hawaii for the memorial service. They've expressed their sympathy for me. Me. Of all people, me. I really don't think that they get me.
Family dynamics. Since my mom's death (almost two years ago) the family lines were drawn clearly. You know how many of her sisters went to her funeral? One. Out of three. And that one? Went to both, one in Cleveland and one in Hawaii. The one that went lives out in Vegas. One lived in Tennessee, her kids (my cousins) offered to pay to fly her out and arrangements were made. She declined. The one that I can't stand though is the one that lives out in Hawaii (my biological mother) and the fact that she didn't go to the service out in Hawaii. I understand she didn't want to get a flight out to Cleveland, trips from Hawaii to the Midwest aren't cheap. But heck she could've caught The Bus down to service in Hawaii.
Really? Yeah, I know my mom was a pain in the ass, I had to put of with her for years. Still, she deserved to have more of her family present than that. Of all the things she did for her family, more people should have showed up. You know, at one point or another, my mom took care of all of my cousins. And not the 'drop the kids off for a weekend' sort, but an extended period of time for whatever the reason (usually legal). My dad was against such coddling of his sister-in-law's problems but he took take of the kids.

Wes made a point when he said that it was my biological mother and that I should be there. Well, sadly, I barely acknowledge the fact that she is my mother. Just because she gave birth counts very little in my book. 12 year old girls are doing it, I'm not that impressed with the fact that you gave birth. What counts is taking care of a kid for 18+ years and raising them, instilling values, and teaching them right from wrong. That's a parent.
Let me make this point. A mother gives up a kid at birth or very early age, the kid is raised by two people (parents) and then said kid becomes a serial killer. Who would you blame? The mother that gave up the kid? Or the two people that raised him? Well, probably the primary caregivers. Yes, genetics play a vital part, but I believe environment shapes us more than we know.

My buddy Andy gets me though. Granted I've spent years around him. We think alike, remember your best friend from grade school? Where you pick up similar interests, both of you become a blend of each other and you can't really separate each other's personalities? That's me and Andy. There's not much I wouldn't do for Andy, up to and including pre-mediated murder. *shrug* That's just the nature of the beast. I trust Andy with my life, we've been through alot and it's all good.


So I spent most of the weekend thinking about what I'm supposed to do. I arrived at the same conclusion that I did when I first got the news. I'm not going. I'll go to Hawaii on my own terms. I can't afford to take however long off of work and plus, my Reserve training got moved up a week. I really can't afford the loss in pay and the chance for fire some guns!