the joker

Since mid-March I've been getting ready to deployment. The basics, getting my bills in order, buying personal items and equipment I want/need, and settling my affairs (whatever we mean when we say affairs). I've spent time writing post-mortum letters to family and friends, in case of something. In doing so I've come realize that it's really morbid to try to write those. I'm still in the drafting phase. The funny part of this whole thing is that they didn't tell us much (they can't, legally speaking) except that we should prepare to get ready to deploy. ??? - That's what I thought, but they'd tell us at the next drill date.
So I'm guessing you're wondering what happened this weekend at drill right? Well, I get there and find the tentative list to deploy. Scan, scan, scan... scan some more, re-scan the whole thing. Huh, my name's not on it. And after all this time I've been getting ready?
Yes, some of my friends and family is happy that I'm not going. Problem: I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I can't explain why, I just know that I'm, but I'm not miserable either. Caught between the two I guess.
Maybe I'm sort of war-junkie and that I need the thrill of combat to justify my life and give me meaning. I don't know, I don't think I can make an objective observation. I will, however, tell you what I do know about myself. My job doesn't hold my interest (evident by my hours of blogging at work), the only reason I stay is because it pays the bills. My life pretty much sucks because I only make enough to pay the bills. My friends that live nearby are moving up and on with their lives, leaving me exactly where I was when I met them. I feel like I'm too old to make new friends (sort of like Randall in Clerks II).
Reasons to deploy - Over the last eighteen months I have gotten to know my unit, the people in it. I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me. Yes, they're my friends but much more than that too. The last couple of months my section has gotten more soldiers, brand-new, fresh, young faces. I've been assigned to mentor them, teach them how to survive, what the Army is all about, and hopefully, live long enough to enjoy a long and fruitful life. That's what makes me happy. To come in one weekend every month and have a dozen or so soldiers to mentor. Most of the veterans stick to their own groups, but we've been integrating them into our groups. I float around abit. I spent two weeks training with the MPs, I spent the first six months in the supply section helping them getting squared away. I am a fully capable intel analyst with field and combat experience doing my job and several others. NCOs respect the fact that I know what I'm doing and that I'm not just a dumb private with a bad attitude. I'm motivated, dedicated, and apparently not going. Plus, there's the fact that I can re-enlist out there for six years and a $20,000 bonus (tax free).
How exactly can I train soldiers for combat when I won't even go with them? They know it's not my fault, but I can't stand it. There's still so much more that I can teach because there's only so much you can learn from stories.
The Army, in its infinite wisdom has deemed me unworthy to go. There are other soldiers that are not going and some of them have good reasons but some refuse to extend their contracts (6x2, 6 years on active reserve, 2 years on inactive reserve) even though they have the time on their contract anyway. I'm at the end of my contract, 300 days out (you need 400 days from the day of deployment) and I still want to go.